11-12-2013, 08:22 PM
My suggestion -
Mistaken, for a flower.
Thorns near the heart,
a lover's bouquet,
streaming petals
through your fingertips.
I removed the first 'You', I think the 'Your' at the end is enough compensation there.
And I also think, as a emphasis on streaming petals, adding more of an effect it should have its own separate line. I also think this could set you up for a stronger finish.
This is just in my own humble and novice opinion, pay it whatever heed.
Mistaken, for a flower.
Thorns near the heart,
a lover's bouquet,
streaming petals
through your fingertips.
I removed the first 'You', I think the 'Your' at the end is enough compensation there.
And I also think, as a emphasis on streaming petals, adding more of an effect it should have its own separate line. I also think this could set you up for a stronger finish.
This is just in my own humble and novice opinion, pay it whatever heed.
You'll find out who I am within the imagery, it pleads 'fuck the metaphors and scream'