I Keep Beneath My Bed Our Picture, Jess

[alatos]

Typical love sonnet I guess, but any advice is appreciated.

I Keep Beneath My Bed Our Picture, Jess

I keep beneath my bed our picture, Jess.
It is crumpled, with curled corners stained by this and the next lines are great
salty drops, the gloss long gone, torn, but less
cherished? Inconceivable! Never more. Why? this seems kind of forced

An answer to that my words cannot give,
and my sharp reason falls short to explain
why without you, it seems I cannot live,
and what life I do live is lived out in vain. nice alliteration

And why, in God's name, do I still look at it?
It stares back as blank as five minutes ago. nice
Your smile, those brown eyes break me, make me submit
and hold a bit longer, though I try to let go. we've all been there

For your love lingers on as a sad memory
that I cannot shake: will I never be free? not until the reader gets rid of that picture!

Only lines 1 and 3 have good meter.
However, I like the imagery you put out. The first stanza had some really good stuff. Then the second stanza just abandoned the photograph idea. No me gusta. I might even consider totally switching the second and third stanzas.

If you fixed up the meter, I think you'd have a really good sonnet.

Thank you, sir! You've managed to put your finger on exactly why this didn't really do it for me! It was my sudden departure from the picture theme. I will be back... with revisions.