11-11-2013, 07:46 PM
A difficult topic indeed.
For the Queens of Zimbabwe - I like the title, I like that it is speaks of dignity.
Somewhere in Africa,
a myth exists among diseased men.
Somewhere in Africa,
scores of innocent eyes are wet with tears. - I understood what the topic of the poem was immediately after these two lines so it was clear. I have to admit that I almost didn't read on because as you say it is a hard topic and I wasn't sure I wanted to go there myself emotionally. I think you could find a stronger image for that second line. It was clear but it didn't really grab me.
Dubbed pure by legend, meat by tradition, - I like this line
their screams and smiles are human.
Their virgin blood only sacred in folklore. - the next two lines feel a bit clunky to me. The line screams and smiles is a bit confusing. I think you can tighten up. I understand the point - that they are human beings although not always seen that way in this context but I think their is a more interesting way of saying it.
It's a heavy petting zoo of mutilation,
where dying animals devour the young. - these lines confused me.
And as I sit here in a comfortable chair,
a dirge of lacerated sexual organs
weeps its way over continents, to me. - again I get what you are saying here, I see the image of you in your chair while these atrocities are taking place but these lines read a bit strangely to me.
A man, without weapon or remedy
A citizen, unable to change a culture
A human, whose faith in humanity
is once again diminished. - I am not sure about this part. It takes the focus away from the girls and back on to you. I feel the piece is about trying to shine a light on this awful practice and this reads a bit 'poor me!' to me. Also I think by writing about it you are doing something!
Somewhere in Africa,
a myth has become reality.
Somewhere in Africa,
The ignorance of man personified. - I like the loop round the pattern at the start. The last two lines aren't particularly strong to me though.
I think this is a brave topic so I hope you will keep working on it. It was clear to me what it was about.
For the Queens of Zimbabwe - I like the title, I like that it is speaks of dignity.
Somewhere in Africa,
a myth exists among diseased men.
Somewhere in Africa,
scores of innocent eyes are wet with tears. - I understood what the topic of the poem was immediately after these two lines so it was clear. I have to admit that I almost didn't read on because as you say it is a hard topic and I wasn't sure I wanted to go there myself emotionally. I think you could find a stronger image for that second line. It was clear but it didn't really grab me.
Dubbed pure by legend, meat by tradition, - I like this line
their screams and smiles are human.
Their virgin blood only sacred in folklore. - the next two lines feel a bit clunky to me. The line screams and smiles is a bit confusing. I think you can tighten up. I understand the point - that they are human beings although not always seen that way in this context but I think their is a more interesting way of saying it.
It's a heavy petting zoo of mutilation,
where dying animals devour the young. - these lines confused me.
And as I sit here in a comfortable chair,
a dirge of lacerated sexual organs
weeps its way over continents, to me. - again I get what you are saying here, I see the image of you in your chair while these atrocities are taking place but these lines read a bit strangely to me.
A man, without weapon or remedy
A citizen, unable to change a culture
A human, whose faith in humanity
is once again diminished. - I am not sure about this part. It takes the focus away from the girls and back on to you. I feel the piece is about trying to shine a light on this awful practice and this reads a bit 'poor me!' to me. Also I think by writing about it you are doing something!
Somewhere in Africa,
a myth has become reality.
Somewhere in Africa,
The ignorance of man personified. - I like the loop round the pattern at the start. The last two lines aren't particularly strong to me though.
I think this is a brave topic so I hope you will keep working on it. It was clear to me what it was about.