For the Queens of Zimbabwe

[justcloudy]

Hi Chazz

I've seen other things you've posted and while I do think it's an improvement (which is a testament to your commitment to poetry which is great to see) I think that for the most part here you were trying too hard.

Comments below.

For the Queens of Zimbabwe

Somewhere in Africa,
a myth exists among diseased men.

Somewhere in Africa,
scores of innocent eyes are wet with tears. This is pretty uninteresting, and doesn't have much to do with the line above. And Africa is huge, btw. And very diverse. Maybe narrow it down to a country or region.

Dubbed pure by legend, meat by tradition, Are you talking about cannibals here?
their screams and smiles are human.
Their virgin blood only sacred in folklore.

It's a heavy petting zoo of mutilation,
where dying animals devour the young. Very disturbing. But not in a good way since I'm not sure what your second meaning is here...
And as I sit here in a comfortable chair, Boring.
a dirge of lacerated sexual organs
weeps its way over continents, to me. How? Why? Really?

A man, without weapon or remedy
A citizen, unable to change a culture
A human, whose faith in humanity
is once again diminished. Do "you" really have a place in this poem? I feel like this is supposed the climax: the speaker's enlightenment. But it's not very enlightening for the reader.

Somewhere in Africa,
a myth has become reality. What myth?

Somewhere in Africa,
The ignorance of man personified. Huh?

This is tough subject matter. I wanted to post this in either serious workshopping, or possibly the mentor thread but i figured this was a good first step. I think for the mentor thread you need 50 posts though. if anyone has info let me know.
Chazz

There must be something in your head that strings this poem together, but as I reader I can't see it. Your job is to guide the reader through a story, or emotions or a process or something, but here I just left confused. But like I said before, your writing is getting better, so keep listening to crits, writing, and posting!

Looking forward to seeing a (heavily reworked) revision.

-justcloudy