My Morning - Second Edit

[jdeirmend]

Thanks for your input, I appreciate it. What I am trying to state in the last line is that the narrator has no control over the day. Initially I had thought of someone who was dying, but woke up to another day, and I was going for starkness and pragmatism. I know that is not clear on paper. I will work on this and do a major revision. Thanks for spending so much time with it.

No problem at all. Hope my mini-lecture wasn't too off-putting.

In the vein of your clarification, your poem seems even more appealing/promising. The list-like character of all the objects and experiences catalogued in it do seem to culminate in the direction you mention. After all, the narrator is just as much drawn about by every experience/object, as he seems to be an active participant in their use and perception. There is a certain passivity that the poem captures, that would be polished off well by a good image, or set of images, that gives a sense of what you're trying to describe. Something like:

"And so I'm drawn from node to node,
point to point, like the rolling of the tide."

Might do well. That is just for your consideration. Hopefully the example takes you to something of your own.

- James