Accompany, revision of Walk With Me

[Todd]

Hi Graystar,

Here are some comments for you on your poem:

Maybe retitle this: "Pain is a Tour Guide" or "Pain, the Tour Guide"

By Graystar
Sunday, November 10. 2013

Accompany--make your title do more work for you

Pain, the tour guide,--If you go with that change cut the line
a friendly foe who calls--Not necessary
"Come! Walk with me--If you switch the title simply lead this line with "She says, "Come! Walk with me."
along the curving landscape
of a body aged by heat."--I like curving landscape above but instead of body aged by heat play off the curve of spine. Maybe, of a spinal road or some such, and have him do something with each vertebrae. Just thoughts

Stiff arthritic toes curl--You don't need stiff
in protest hotly gasping.
Pain dances as if barefoot--probably lead this with a While
and carefree. Imagine!
Fickle friend indeed.--It would probably work just as well if you cut these last to lines

Head-fever ache of blinding pain
hangs on weeping for relief.
Fried with sun-fury calves
restlessly beg
"Set us free! Hell drags us about!"--pain needs to do something to take you here with each new strophe. The us seems wrong as opposed to me. I like sun-fury calves and I think you can shorten this if you think how pain takes you to a new place and there is a flare up at the place. It's got to be one long crappy trip for the conceit to work.

Pain smiles and eases
her warm clinging fingers,--I like this personification
bound by oath to answer
glory-damned screams,--I also like glory-damned screams
temptress of hope that she is.

I like where you're going. I'd like a little more trip for my tour guide and my unwilling tourist.

Hope some of this helps.

Best,

Todd