11-10-2013, 04:36 AM
Papa prayed for parted promise,
for jeans cuffs filled with dirt and fray,
for purple pockets filled with pebbles;
you remained absent every day.
I think it would help if you did more with the opening. The "parted promise" doesn't say much; but that's just me. Now the multiple fors could work, it depends on you though. Do you think it works? The "you remained absent every day" line seems kind of just added on. You can get more from this poem, but for now it just seems too hurried. Maybe the feelings behind it are what makes it rushed. But you can do more with it.
for jeans cuffs filled with dirt and fray,
for purple pockets filled with pebbles;
you remained absent every day.
I think it would help if you did more with the opening. The "parted promise" doesn't say much; but that's just me. Now the multiple fors could work, it depends on you though. Do you think it works? The "you remained absent every day" line seems kind of just added on. You can get more from this poem, but for now it just seems too hurried. Maybe the feelings behind it are what makes it rushed. But you can do more with it.