11-09-2013, 10:21 PM
[quote='jdeirmend' pid='146604' dateline='1383913139']
Yellownape (1st revision)
It caught my eye again
to see you poised
like an emerald statuette
kissed behind the neck
by the golden sun -- I would place a period or semi colonat the end of the line here. How long this sentence runs on distracts from how well done it is
in that darkened corner
of the kitchen, perched
outside your cage-- comma
standing atop the dull grey
wire-fencing, in a subtle
mockery of freedom the freedom. I know this change would disrupt your metre, but this or another alteration needs to happen.
in which this cadre
of higher primates
has condescended --very effective language here
to let you engage
There is a majesty
that chills me
lurking in your figure,
wherein I’m caught
by the subtle curves
of your form protruding
from the dark: wings
draped like plumed armor
about your face. You are -- I don't understand the line break that occurs for these two lines; I would the first with upper and the latter with the lower. Currently, it interrupts the read.
folded into yourself. As if -- The period here has to be a comma, as the next piece becomes an incomplete sentence otherwise
wrapped up in a dream of times
long past, from what could disrupt it:
a dream of a bird’s youth spent
living among its kindred
in the treetops – in a place
where the monkeys neither
spoke, nor would dare
to capture you – where your
forbearers were happy to
ignore them, and laugh
by mimicking their maudlin howls
in squawking tones: such colorful
music, to match the vibrant
sights of the rainforest by day --Do you realise just how long this sentence is? :p
While in waking hours
you’ve become an emblem
of a beauty that is
forever lost to speaking
beings: and the monochrome --To my limited understanding, following a colon with a conjunction is inappropriate. Actually, there's no reason for this colon to be here anyways
Prisons we build, for the
estranged animals we
each carry within.
Your sunspot --I really like using the birds colouration as a metaphor like this
is out of sight, now
as I try to stare into
Every wonder that you hide
my gaze failing to penetrate
the very means whereby
you were ever meant to fly
that, in this moment
serve but one purpose:
to make sleep possible
by shielding you, at night
From what comes from}
being enfolded into }
the realm of the human:}
the banal restlessness } --- This is the only stanza that doesn't really work for me. It seems like you're unnecessarily restating to me. I believe the stanza before this would be a stronger closure
of the present age }
and its artificial light }
I would be careful of your run-ons and overuse of the colons. I would also suggest you go through the poem and remove anything that isn't totally necessary to avoid restating feelings you've already evoked. There's a lot of punctuation overhaul and rethinking needed as well.
I hope that my criticisms don't seem too picky. I spent a good hour reading and re-reading this poem, so I mean it very much as a compliment. This was a great image you conjured for me-- thank you
Yellownape (1st revision)
It caught my eye again
to see you poised
like an emerald statuette
kissed behind the neck
by the golden sun -- I would place a period or semi colonat the end of the line here. How long this sentence runs on distracts from how well done it is
in that darkened corner
of the kitchen, perched
outside your cage-- comma
standing atop the dull grey
wire-fencing, in a subtle
mockery of freedom the freedom. I know this change would disrupt your metre, but this or another alteration needs to happen.
in which this cadre
of higher primates
has condescended --very effective language here
to let you engage
There is a majesty
that chills me
lurking in your figure,
wherein I’m caught
by the subtle curves
of your form protruding
from the dark: wings
draped like plumed armor
about your face. You are -- I don't understand the line break that occurs for these two lines; I would the first with upper and the latter with the lower. Currently, it interrupts the read.
folded into yourself. As if -- The period here has to be a comma, as the next piece becomes an incomplete sentence otherwise
wrapped up in a dream of times
long past, from what could disrupt it:
a dream of a bird’s youth spent
living among its kindred
in the treetops – in a place
where the monkeys neither
spoke, nor would dare
to capture you – where your
forbearers were happy to
ignore them, and laugh
by mimicking their maudlin howls
in squawking tones: such colorful
music, to match the vibrant
sights of the rainforest by day --Do you realise just how long this sentence is? :p
While in waking hours
you’ve become an emblem
of a beauty that is
forever lost to speaking
beings: and the monochrome --To my limited understanding, following a colon with a conjunction is inappropriate. Actually, there's no reason for this colon to be here anyways
Prisons we build, for the
estranged animals we
each carry within.
Your sunspot --I really like using the birds colouration as a metaphor like this
is out of sight, now
as I try to stare into
Every wonder that you hide
my gaze failing to penetrate
the very means whereby
you were ever meant to fly
that, in this moment
serve but one purpose:
to make sleep possible
by shielding you, at night
From what comes from}
being enfolded into }
the realm of the human:}
the banal restlessness } --- This is the only stanza that doesn't really work for me. It seems like you're unnecessarily restating to me. I believe the stanza before this would be a stronger closure
of the present age }
and its artificial light }
I would be careful of your run-ons and overuse of the colons. I would also suggest you go through the poem and remove anything that isn't totally necessary to avoid restating feelings you've already evoked. There's a lot of punctuation overhaul and rethinking needed as well.
I hope that my criticisms don't seem too picky. I spent a good hour reading and re-reading this poem, so I mean it very much as a compliment. This was a great image you conjured for me-- thank you
If I could say only one thing before I die, it'd probably be,
"Please don't kill me"
"Please don't kill me"