Weight

[ellajam]

I think it starts to come alive briefly with:

Wanting what'd be his in heaven
Hunger flaring, all he'd ask,

would be for painted poles and ribbons
ponies prancing on the lawn.


I added the 'for', but some might not think you need it. And what do you think about the punctuation in the poem?

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I wrote that before you added to your reply.

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The first stanza isn't very easy to follow.
Why do you say: For purple pockets filled with pebbles?

Because she's his little girl, and he's praying for her to come back. She wore purple, was free enough to wander about, and she often pocketed pebbles. I want her to seem young... but I still pocket pretty pebbles, and you had to ask, so I guess it's not clear enough.

Ah, now I get why the first two lines didn't fit, they weren't supposed to.
I kept trying to apply them to the man. I think whimsy was a good way to indicate her youth, I just didn't get it. Maybe it you put a word in there that clearly indicates childhood you could stick more with your original.

I don't know if the term is used anymore but pedal-pushers is a lovely p word, they were capri length pants for kids. I keep coming up with words from my childhood, maybe you can choose something from yours.

Even she or her would help.

Love this one.