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[justcloudy]

rowens you've made a similar comment about a piece of mine before (http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=10102). my first drafts are inevitably too wordy, then I leave them, clean them up, and put them here. generally speaking those ones are ok. but when I try from the get-go to keep it short people agree it sounds too abrupt. what to do. =/

ella, you're totally right about the first two lines. I'm stupidly attached to them because they popped into my unable-to-sleep-at-2am mind, and I turned on the light and the rest developed from there. but you're right, they don't really belong. I'll see what I can do.

thanks both. =]

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edit: rowens I'm trying to play with the terseness (that's a word?) but getting nowhere. however, ella, what do you think of the new second line?