11-09-2013, 04:14 AM
Hi there Beaufort, thanks for sharing.
I would to say well done on the strong details and peacefulness you managed to evoke through your verses. Overall I think I liked it, it took me a few reads to get to grips with it which isn't a problem for me but it might be for others. Although you are a definitely on the right track there are a two things that troubled me:
-The lack of rhythm in the text made the piece free flowing which I felt did not suit it. If you stuck to a metric rhythm that would personify the rigidness of the statue through the forms of your verse
-I was confused by the role of the clumsy man, I feel like you are undecided whether he is an important figure in the poem or a casual side character. At the moment his presence is a bit ambiguous because I feel he is under used as the text in the final two stanzas drift from him back to the statue. Perhaps dedicating a whole stanza to him would help achieve the role you had in mind for him.
Anyway all of this is just my humble opinion so best of luck!
P.S: would you mind telling where this statue is located? I'm curious now!
I would to say well done on the strong details and peacefulness you managed to evoke through your verses. Overall I think I liked it, it took me a few reads to get to grips with it which isn't a problem for me but it might be for others. Although you are a definitely on the right track there are a two things that troubled me:
-The lack of rhythm in the text made the piece free flowing which I felt did not suit it. If you stuck to a metric rhythm that would personify the rigidness of the statue through the forms of your verse
-I was confused by the role of the clumsy man, I feel like you are undecided whether he is an important figure in the poem or a casual side character. At the moment his presence is a bit ambiguous because I feel he is under used as the text in the final two stanzas drift from him back to the statue. Perhaps dedicating a whole stanza to him would help achieve the role you had in mind for him.
Anyway all of this is just my humble opinion so best of luck!
P.S: would you mind telling where this statue is located? I'm curious now!