11-08-2013, 10:14 PM
It sounds like a wonderful avian companion and you have captured its beauty well. I understand the guilt/concern of removing them from their natural habitat, but for me that can be balanced with the reality that many of the world’s creatures have a fleeting life out in the elements.
I believe this poem would read better with less breaks and a few alternate ones. Sometimes caps are employed after lines without stops. Some alternate punctuation could be considered. You could add them to reduce longer lines. This is rather wordy, although the words are often delightful. It seems over-structured, therefore an edit something like this may fare better for me:
It caught my eye again:
to see you poised
like an emerald statue
kissed behind the neck
by the golden sun.
In that darkened corner
of the kitchen, perched
outside your cage
you stand atop the dull grey
wire-fencing, in a subtle
mockery of freedom
in which this cadre
of higher primates
have condescended, *cadre has?*
to let you engage.
Yet there is a majesty,
I see that chills me,
lurking in your figure,
when catching the subtle curves
of your form protruding
from the dark: wings draped
like the most graceful of shields
about your face. You are
folded into yourself. Do
you recall ancestral dreams
of the Amazon, I muse?
Dreams of living
among your kindred
in the treetops – in a place
where the monkeys neither
spoke, nor would dare
to capture you – where your
forbearers were happy to
ignore them, and laugh
by mimicking their foolish howls
in squawking tones: such colorful
music, to match the vibrant
sights of the rainforest by day.
But now, you are reduced
to an emblem, of a beauty
that is forever lost to speaking
beings: and the monochrome
prisons we build, for the estranged
animals we
each carry within.
Your sunspot
is out of sight, now
as I try to stare into
every wonder that you hide,
my gaze failing to penetrate
the very things whereby
you were ever meant to fly
that, in this moment,
serve but one purpose:
to make sleep possible
by shielding you, at night
from the blessing and the
human curse
of artificial light.
You could also strive for more brevity. See what you think. Nonetheless, it is a lovely creature and poem! Cheers/Chris
I believe this poem would read better with less breaks and a few alternate ones. Sometimes caps are employed after lines without stops. Some alternate punctuation could be considered. You could add them to reduce longer lines. This is rather wordy, although the words are often delightful. It seems over-structured, therefore an edit something like this may fare better for me:
It caught my eye again:
to see you poised
like an emerald statue
kissed behind the neck
by the golden sun.
In that darkened corner
of the kitchen, perched
outside your cage
you stand atop the dull grey
wire-fencing, in a subtle
mockery of freedom
in which this cadre
of higher primates
have condescended, *cadre has?*
to let you engage.
Yet there is a majesty,
I see that chills me,
lurking in your figure,
when catching the subtle curves
of your form protruding
from the dark: wings draped
like the most graceful of shields
about your face. You are
folded into yourself. Do
you recall ancestral dreams
of the Amazon, I muse?
Dreams of living
among your kindred
in the treetops – in a place
where the monkeys neither
spoke, nor would dare
to capture you – where your
forbearers were happy to
ignore them, and laugh
by mimicking their foolish howls
in squawking tones: such colorful
music, to match the vibrant
sights of the rainforest by day.
But now, you are reduced
to an emblem, of a beauty
that is forever lost to speaking
beings: and the monochrome
prisons we build, for the estranged
animals we
each carry within.
Your sunspot
is out of sight, now
as I try to stare into
every wonder that you hide,
my gaze failing to penetrate
the very things whereby
you were ever meant to fly
that, in this moment,
serve but one purpose:
to make sleep possible
by shielding you, at night
from the blessing and the
human curse
of artificial light.
You could also strive for more brevity. See what you think. Nonetheless, it is a lovely creature and poem! Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris