Alice in the Asylum: Psychiatric Transcript (Revision 5)

[milo]

Revision 3: Optional

--by order of the Lunacy Act, 1845

It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed
something, or something-or-other!

So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.

You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.

This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.

~~~
Edit notes: Very close to the original. The reason I originally went down this psychiatric notes thing was because the setting wasn't coming through, and to try something different (still a valid reason). That said, I think I took it too far and should take a tip from Ted Kooser and rethink the title.

Revision 2

HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS
The patient appears to be an 13-year-old female who was found wandering around a costermongers eel cart incoherent and disheveled. Police brought her to the facility for evaluation under the lunacy act of 1845.

PRESENTING PROBLEM
The patient exhibits periods of long silence broken by persecutory outbursts.

CHIEF COMPLAINT
Transcribed below is the patients first communication after 4 hours of silence.

It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed
something, or something-or-other!

So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.

You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.

This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.

MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION
Patient is prone to poor auditory discrimination, exhibits signs of persecutory delusional disorder, expresses anxiety in the cafeteria line, and shows apprehension in front of mirrors.


PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS
Phrenology investigation noted lumps over the right ear, indicating possible destructive tendencies. More evaluation is necessary.

~~~

Revision 1

It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak.

Subject prone to poor auditory discrimination.

But somebody killed something,
or something-or-other!
I stand by my story.
No lucid dream
to wake from, I tire
of these suggestions.

So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.

Subject exhibits signs of persecutory delusional disorder.

You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.

Subject expresses anxiety in the cafeteria line.

This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.

Subject shows apprehension in front of mirror.

~~~

Original

It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak.

But somebody killed something,
or something-or-other!
I stand by my story.
No lucid dream
to wake from, I tire
of these suggestions.

So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.

You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.

This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.

So far, revision 2 is my favorite. I remember thinking it a very brave route to take when I first read it. I also remember thinking it would alienate most readers of poetry but for those who cherish something new, it was delightful.