The wind

[Keith]

[quote='Charlesjoseph' pid='146155' dateline='1383609224']
Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
What he gave for our nation.

I Like this better don't shoot.

I wont shoot I agree and it lends more to the underlying theme that is remembrance. Thanks Keith

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[quote='Keith' pid='145947' dateline='1383509937']
Carries its freight,
rattle and clang,
trails anchors into land.

Sea storms and poppies
greet an old sailor,
slopping early rise rum.

Flutters the skirt
of his Cancan tattoo,
spits out tobacco bits
rolled for his first brew.

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
what he gave for our nation.

Poignant poetry! For me your poem was a sad and effective commentary for what happens to our military after their service is over. Keith, I like your brevity in poetry. It is rather Haiku-ish and it has become your signature style. My favorite stanza is the tatoo one. It is a grand image! The only line giving me trouble is 'trails anchors into land'. I assume that's the wind, but it could be the sailor. Either way, my head wants to read 'drags' instead of 'trails'. Set me straight!/Chris

Thanks Chris, I can go with drags as it is about wind devastation and baggage. Its in the edit thanks Keith

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Hi Keith,
I am enjoying the tightness of your poem. Very well done.

The last two lines (either version) struck me as off. The military men I know drink to forget not to remember. I only know about two dozen ex-military which is not much, maybe my observation is incorrect.

Thank you for your poem.
Smiles,
Graystar

Thanks for commenting Graystar, I would tend to agree but this is linked to remembrance sunday so hence raise a glace to remember. Thanks Keith

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Hi Keith,
I am enjoying the tightness of your poem. Very well done.

The last two lines (either version) struck me as off. The military men I know drink to forget not to remember. I only know about two dozen ex-military which is not much, maybe my observation is incorrect.

Thank you for your poem.
Smiles,
Graystar

Thanks for commenting Graystar, I would tend to agree but this is linked to remembrance sunday so hence raise a glace to remember. Thanks Keith

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Carries its freight, I thought it'd be cool if you had a lower case C, just so people know you're continuing from the title, though it is pretty obvious anyway.
rattle and clang,
trails anchors into land. Nice, I really get a sense of the wind's power.

Sea storms and poppies
greet an old sailor,
slopping early rise rum. Slopping is such a crude verb. I don't know, I'd just like a bit of heroism, a bit of decorum to my sailors .

Flutters the skirt
of his Cancan tattoo,
spits out tobacco bits
rolled for his first brew. No!! A silly degrading tattoo and bad manners

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
what he gave for our nation. The use of 'our' just seems alienating; to me anyway.

Hi lainey Thank you for your considered feedback, I agree we don't wont our sailor old and infirm, it just wont do, I'll give him back some street cred. slop was chosen for the pop in poppies. Sorry no can do on the tattoo this one is true and so it stays, my uncle frank would have it no other way I had another choice from his other arm, Betty Boo. Bad Manners did release a song called Can-Can I assume this is your reference rather than implying my uncles tattoo's were degrading and ill mannered In the edit I have also made the last line more accessible. Many thanks Keith

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Carries its freight,
rattle and clang,
trails anchors into land.

Sea storms and poppies
greet an old sailor,
slopping early rise rum.

Flutters the skirt
of his Cancan tattoo,
spits out tobacco bits
rolled for his first brew.

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember ( Drinks extract Maybee along those lines )
what he gave for our nation. (his Instead of ours)

hey keith,
Here's a few ideas
chazz

Thanks Chazz I'm happy with the edit so far but thanks for the ideas. Keith