11-06-2013, 02:12 PM
Hello,
It seemed like you were just describing different parts of the body in pain. From what I've observed anyway, pain can be an interesting subject, but it's being trivialised in your poem. Also, I didn't like the way you used 'bitchy,' it was a crude and unimaginative use of the word. I think, with every kind of 'physical' pain there is an accompanying 'emotional' pain, perhaps you could try venturing into the emotional, whilst using the physical as the platform to do so.
It seemed like you were just describing different parts of the body in pain. From what I've observed anyway, pain can be an interesting subject, but it's being trivialised in your poem. Also, I didn't like the way you used 'bitchy,' it was a crude and unimaginative use of the word. I think, with every kind of 'physical' pain there is an accompanying 'emotional' pain, perhaps you could try venturing into the emotional, whilst using the physical as the platform to do so.