11-06-2013, 06:10 AM
I'm torn between the two version.
The long version adds context, and it shows the characters' fall, which makes the last stanza more beautiful.
The short version is so succinct and simple.
I would say go with the long version. I don't really like the word 'insurance' though, something like 'investing' might be more appropriate. And go back to 'grew into the epitome'. I like the idea of growing into a decayed physique.
I love the wordplay of vaulting mattresses, and raising children and pastry.
Great job!
The long version adds context, and it shows the characters' fall, which makes the last stanza more beautiful.
The short version is so succinct and simple.
I would say go with the long version. I don't really like the word 'insurance' though, something like 'investing' might be more appropriate. And go back to 'grew into the epitome'. I like the idea of growing into a decayed physique.
I love the wordplay of vaulting mattresses, and raising children and pastry.
Great job!