Feathers: Edit number 3!

[Todd]

Hi Stephanie,

I like some of the images you're working with. Welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you:

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read.

Feathers--I know you end with this but I wonder if it's your best title. I'd be tempted to pull up your first line to make it a title.


Girls gathered on the shore,--The reason I suggest pulling it up, is it's a flat opening but as a title Line 2 might lend imagery to it and make it interesting (does that make sense)
glassy pebbles dreaming to skim across sheets of blue--pebbles feels wrong here. You skip stones not pebbles (possibly replace). It's pretty language though. Back to the title because it's really important. You could also go: "Girls Are Glass Stones" with your first line being "dreaming to skim across sheets of blue"
unaware that once the skipping ends
they will plunge into the murk.--I like this entire sequence content wise
Shaped to seek white feathers,--Here are the feathers, but why have we left the stones already?
this one captivated with slight of hand.
Faithful to the myth of spring time heart
she curled it like a secret pearl in wide-eyed hands.--Interesting images but I'm not sure how they hook together. I'm probably missing something obvious

The smoke deceived--maybe with its warmth and hominess instead of spoke
spoke of warmth, of homelinesshomeliness means drab, plain, ugly. Do you mean hominess?
the laughter round the fire a honeyed charm inside her ear.--like honey to her ear, may be a better way to condense and simplify. Is charm needed
She danced. Slow then fluttering lightly as a bird,--Do you need slow then
the grass between her feet had never felt more deliciously like skin.--This actually seems like an odd comparison to me. Silk on skin maybe. Skin itself...not sure

His eyes betrayed no menace
spoke only of belonging,
of being a queen among the many bees.--I think there are some words missing here maybe a her before being. Try to condense this into something tighter
A light ruffle against her neck
the air around her sweet candy floss and apple blossom,--cut around her, nice sensory description
a delicate brush against her cheek, she began disappear.

In a caravan of roses, brambles cutting at her feet
she kept on smiling;
there were embers in the fire yet.
The red flags came but her ears were stopped,
choked with lessons full of lies.--You could probably cut all of this down to the bare images and do better with it

Flames blazed once more but for dishes not for dancing
her fingers scorched against the pot
dirty water marking stains on summer frock.
The feather on the ground,
smokey black with gritty ash
lifting it to cheek she felt it scratch against her skin.--Now we have romantic inclinations snuffed by domestic drudgery. I don't know if the beginning fully leads me to the end.

There are things I like here. I'm just not sure its all pulled together yet. I hope some of the comments help.

Best,

Todd