Whiskey Epiphany (revised)

[Todd]

This is better. You may want to place this version above your first post in an edit marked with Revision, so people know to comment on it. Let me give you a few thoughts on the revision.

Hey Todd,
thanks for the help & input. Here's what I came up with using your advice. I tried a few things here, let me know what you think.
Chazz

Whiskey Epiphany

With the poison fresh on my breath,
I have once again eluded death.--If you want to keep these lines please consider reversing the order with the next two lines. Those below would make a better opening

Like cactus for the shaman,
I have found a way to rattle my soul.

And although I feel like a tree,
that has been hollowed out into a canoe,
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.

When my moment of clarity arrived,
I was lying naked on the bathroom floor.
Covered in my own fluids, I uncovered
(a man afraid to die.)--I don't know what the parentheses adds

Awake and alive,
I will try to heed his screams.--try to heed isn't that strong of a finish. I think ending on afraid to die is stronger, but that's just an opinion.

It's a step forward.

Best,

Todd