11-06-2013, 01:37 AM
With the poison still fresh on my breath,
I have once again eluded death. - I like the first line, it's a strong image for me but the second seems a bit too factual in comparison.
Like cactus for the shaman,
I have found a way to speak to my soul. - I like these lines, it speaks of a sharp spiritual experience.
And although I feel like a tree - could maybe start with just Like a tree
that has been hollowed out like a canoe. - feels a bit too much - maybe just like a hollowed tree
I have acquired great knowledge,
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor. - I am not totally clear on these lines, you have learned from being hollowed out I think, the endeavor word throws me here, it speaks of hard work when this poem seems to be about self destruction and coming out the other side of that.
When my moment of clarity arrived,
I was lying naked on the bathroom floor. - I think I am naked on the bathroom floor would be enough, I would assume you were lying there if you are on the floor.
Covered in my own fluids,
I uncovered a soul that was afraid to die. - I like the cover/uncover , I think you could cut that was
And although its voice was gentle,
It paused the violence of my alcoholic episode, - very wordy here, I think you could trim this and alcoholic episode sounds a bit like medical talk rather than the spiritual feel you have else where.
And from somewhere deep in my flesh,
It opened a box of screaming spirit wisdom. - I wonder if a change in tense would make this more immediate. e.g deep within my flesh a box of screaming wisdom opened?
Each message an epiphany:
"YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!"
"STOP WASTING YOUR GIFT!"
"BE BEAUTIFUL!"
Awake and alive,
I will now try to heed the scream. - The end of this reads a bit to much like MESSAGE!!! to me.
Thanks, this is an interesting subject.
I have once again eluded death. - I like the first line, it's a strong image for me but the second seems a bit too factual in comparison.
Like cactus for the shaman,
I have found a way to speak to my soul. - I like these lines, it speaks of a sharp spiritual experience.
And although I feel like a tree - could maybe start with just Like a tree
that has been hollowed out like a canoe. - feels a bit too much - maybe just like a hollowed tree
I have acquired great knowledge,
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor. - I am not totally clear on these lines, you have learned from being hollowed out I think, the endeavor word throws me here, it speaks of hard work when this poem seems to be about self destruction and coming out the other side of that.
When my moment of clarity arrived,
I was lying naked on the bathroom floor. - I think I am naked on the bathroom floor would be enough, I would assume you were lying there if you are on the floor.
Covered in my own fluids,
I uncovered a soul that was afraid to die. - I like the cover/uncover , I think you could cut that was
And although its voice was gentle,
It paused the violence of my alcoholic episode, - very wordy here, I think you could trim this and alcoholic episode sounds a bit like medical talk rather than the spiritual feel you have else where.
And from somewhere deep in my flesh,
It opened a box of screaming spirit wisdom. - I wonder if a change in tense would make this more immediate. e.g deep within my flesh a box of screaming wisdom opened?
Each message an epiphany:
"YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!"
"STOP WASTING YOUR GIFT!"
"BE BEAUTIFUL!"
Awake and alive,
I will now try to heed the scream. - The end of this reads a bit to much like MESSAGE!!! to me.
Thanks, this is an interesting subject.