After the games,
#2
(11-05-2013, 11:49 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  he became symbolic
of their withered glory.
She was the epitome
of their lost physique.

Watch him slink away
to pommel his horse;
she’ll escape to her room
to vault mattresses.
Hi, Chris. first impression: I don't know if you have a reason for the mixed tenses, but I'd be more comfortable with just two.

He slinks away
to pommel his horse;
she escapes to her room
to vault mattresses.

I found the first four lines so eloquent; the last four, clever as they are, felt rough below them.

Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed the read.

Oops, also capitalize the first "he".
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Messages In This Thread
After the games, - by ChristopherSea - 11-05-2013, 11:49 PM
RE: After the games - by ellajam - 11-06-2013, 12:27 AM
RE: After the games - by ChristopherSea - 11-06-2013, 01:02 AM
RE: After the games, - by ChristopherSea - 11-06-2013, 05:32 AM
RE: After the games, - by Viktor Vaughn - 11-06-2013, 06:10 AM
RE: After the games, - by ChristopherSea - 11-06-2013, 06:27 AM
RE: After the games, - by Todd - 11-06-2013, 06:17 AM
RE: After the games, - by ChristopherSea - 11-06-2013, 08:30 AM
RE: After the games, - by Todd - 11-06-2013, 08:46 AM
RE: After the games, - by ChristopherSea - 11-06-2013, 08:51 AM



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