Whiskey Epiphany (revised)

[Todd]

Some nice parts in here. I think to make it more effective and less "inspirational poster" you need to do a few cuts. Some suggestions below on cuts to consider as well as some comments[/b]

With the poison still fresh on my breath,
I have once again eluded death.--Too leading and gives away too much too early

Like cactus for the shaman,
I have found a way to speak to my soul.--this is cool. It makes a good opening. It's strong imagery. I like soul here but it gets overused in poetry so I wouldn't reference it later

And although I feel like a tree--You probably don't need "I feel"
that has been hollowed out like a canoe.--The two layered likes push it a bit maybe substitute the second like with "into"
I have acquired great knowledge,
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.--I like excavated pulp. This all works well for me

When my moment of clarity arrived,
I was lying naked on the bathroom floor.--No issues. I think the stark shift pops pretty well.

Covered in my own fluids,
I uncovered a soul that was afraid to die.--I don't think this deserves it's own strophe. Consider connecting it to the one above. I would also steer away from the second use of soul. Maybe simply, "and was afraid to die."

And although its voice was gentle,
It paused the violence of my alcoholic episode,--flat reporting
And from somewhere deep in my flesh,
It opened a box of screaming spirit wisdom.--I actually think this could also be merged above, these two lines below fluids. Change it to I if you remove soul above and probably end it with the line above "and was afraid to die[/b]

Each message an epiphany:

"YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!"

"STOP WASTING YOUR GIFT!"

"BE BEAUTIFUL!"

Awake and alive,
I will now try to heed the scream.--too blatant and telling

Ok so lets see the comments on this one..... Chazz

Hope that helps some.


Best,

Todd