Beaten Path

[Graystar]

Hi Spoons,
I liked your poem but, don't you just hate the buts?, I have a few things I want to comment on. I'm new at this so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Spoons.

Beaten Path

(I would like Carousel as a title.) Just a suggestion. More why later.

Dawn breaks,
My body shakes,
I miss your burning touch,
Come back to me,
And set me free, Do you really want to be set free if you miss the burning touch? Develop this a bit. What would draw one to come back?
No longer can I exist without my one and only crutch. Bit too long.

Gone now,
Can't remember how,
We started down this lonely path.
Hand in hand, If you use this (which I like) then change,
We walk this land, this (Develop a bit deeper) Use other words for walking the land.
In the shadows with a hollow laugh. Consider of instead of with??? But very good idea.

Leave home, This line seems out of place or off kilter
I'm all alone,
I struggle to face the day,
No one knows,
How my carousel goes, Love these two lines!
But it only goes one way.

Back again,
Find my friend,
You've hidden all day long,
Now I'm here, Already saying this with 'Back again' freshen this up a bit
You hide my fear, Why hide fear, why repeat hidden and hide?
And from my reach you cast it far beyond. Awkward, please revise with words that soothe.

Body cold,
Have my soul,
Take me to a happy place,
Head starts drumming,
Your touch is numbing,
Please fill this empty space. Love this stanza except for the please, deepen the connection with another word choice like filling my empty space or shivers filling my empty or this empty space.

Body warm,
A violent storm, Is the violent storm passion?
Quickly tomorrow come again, Then could this line be about passion rather than time? I don't like the quickly, the violent storm is so strong and this line is so weak.
I'm all your's, you're all mine, I don't think the apostrophe is needed in yours, I love these last three lines. Makes me think of the carousel again thus why I'd like that title.
I'll waste my time.
Rinse. Repeat. Until my end.

Spoons, Bravo! Truly is a good poem as it is but I'd like these revisions to deepen the essence you are passionate about.
Thank you very much for sharing the poem. I want to read more of yours!
Hugs,
Graystar