Break dawn, break light.

[bena]

Since this is posted in Serious, I'm going to give it a serious crit, which may seem a bit harsh at times, but please be aware that it is not personal.


- Break dawn, break light (Considering title change)

He dies
again and again

Playing out; set on repeat
phases fade through
bleak,
lost to an overcast sky.
Mist settles above the stillness
and lisps the water's edge.
Its harmony gracing
the ever dull,
moon<-> lit sands.

I thought I'd escape
just for a little while.
Drink
and sing
to drown him out.

Not here,
no.
Here, it is worse.
The screams are louder.

I remember her jagged edge,
rigid
and cruel.
Twisting into her
forced attempt to comfort
Hardly eager,
to pierce shredded skin again.
Her,
were she to kiss me again,
to have another taste
without doubt, she'd bleed me dry.

Here, lisps cusp.
Sent, hovering
a mirage;
no longer still,
lightly placed to the sand.
Break dawn,
I too, fade.[/b]


You do have some nice imagery in this piece, but the ambiguity factor is way too overwhelming. I'm not quite sure how to tell you to revise, other than give the audience more hints as to what was happening in your mind as you wrote it. I am left wishing I knew what was going on.

Good luck,

mel.