The attic (post edit)

[Ryan_w_r]

Dust filled bars of light cut through one another as their paths intersect.
Smells of mildew, and mothballs coat the thick, and stagnant air.
Memories lay dormant in the dark, forgotten memories meant to be remembered.
Where unneeded wants go to live out their existence...

-The attic

Hi Ryan,
In any poem imagery is important enough on its own, but if you really want to make a piece of veracity verse you have to instill belief in the reader. Unless there is more than one sun, or the attic is lit by floodlights outside, there is just no way (except in shoot-em-up movies where bullets pepper the old holdin' up shed walls) that "beams of light intersect".You repeat yourself. "Cut through one another" IS to intersect. Nonetheless, I see what you see but it irks. Punctuation is all over the place,too. Drop the second "and" in L2, if you have a love of commas but the first comma L2 has to go. Semi colon after "dark". Duplication of "memories".
Last line is not a sentence.
"Forgotten memories" is hard to swallow, especially as you have just told me they are there, lying in the dark. Or had you forgotten? "unneeded wants" (???)
The concept is good, the atmospheric opportunities ARE touched on but barely given scope. The execution is weak. Tighten it up.
That's all.
Best,
tectak

Thanks for reading... I understand the point made about needing multiple light sources to to create the image I was describing, but all I wanted to do was create an image. One that you obviously were able to see, so I guess I accomplished my goal. As far as Punctuation goes.. I am absolutely dreadful. It bothers just about everyone but myself.. That's what editors are for anyways. Same reason I don't prepare my own taxes, something's are best left to the pros (lazy excuse I know). Last time I took a trip back home and went to the house I grew up in I went into the attic and and found many items from my childhood that floded me with memories that hadn't been thought of in many years. Memories that I didn't even know I still had (forgotten memories), ever had that happen to you? All of those things I found were only in the attic because they were not a necessity, and what is not a necessity is purely a 'want' ... And I'm my somewhat dramatic translation in this poem.. I refer to items stored in the attic as "unneeded wants" Make sense? Thanks again