Anywhere But Home

[jdvanwijk]

For me, this poem still has a lot of problems: too many clichés, awkward sentences, lack of focus, etc. It reads like it was written in a 'flash of inspiration', or less kind, a first draft.

I reached out to touch you clichéd
but you wer'nt there Missing e, intentional?
for the first time in years I feel afraid
I don't want to lose you
but I pushed you away
with my head in my hands... These last three lines are very clichéd. Try to describe this feeling in more original images.
just get through this day

the flames in hell
were set with good intention I think these two lines feel interesting and original. Would suggest to extract these and work from there.
bring light to the darkness that holds me
dont go dont leave me
just please dont go away
whats the point in living if its this lonely? Again, these three lines , though sincere, are way too common to move the reader.

and death is not a problem its a promise Good concept but poorly phrased, too obvious.
and it wont change a thing if I stayed
the road back home is long and awkward Road back home is a big cliché. Awkward doesn't feel to fit the context.
so Ill stay in this prison I made me Poorly structured sentence.

forever young... forever naive
you were the crutch that held me
but I'll hold fast to the hope that was taken This sentence is clumsily written with the 'that was taken'
and sleep silent with the promise left breaking
you are not the one to hold me here...

its hard when those eyes loose there glow One of many sentences with bad spelling "lose their glow"
it turns to raindrops to hail and then snow
but when summer and winter reject there fall
they stay suspended till earth heads there call
where were those tears for me?

The whole last section I like the best idea-wise, a person going up, up and away. I would strip this section of all clichés and see if you can work this into another poem.
so Ill just go...
hop back on my cloud and disappear
I want more then this life will grant me
on my own
thats the way its meant to be
away from the dreams that only want to haunt me
away from gravity that only holds me down
higher and higher closer to the moon
a place where I dont have to love and lose
lead my mind to places where my feet may roam
as long as its somewhere
anywhere but home