11-01-2013, 02:32 AM
As a former street punk, I think it a little curious that you group nazi skins with the rest, but okay. Suggestion time:
"With the flip of a switch they’ll put out the fire fueled by electricity"
You broke your line structure here. I appreciate it's an important line for you, but I think it's important for the poem that you trim it down to flow better.
"Because here in booze and smoke and dirt
The nest of non conformity
The independent humanity"
Lose the 'because', as you never finished the thought. Although poetry doesn't need complete sentences, it does require that if you use a conjunction you use the conjunction.
I would also reconsider the word non-conformity. For counter-culture, it's such a cliche term that it immediately raises hackles amongst most readers who have ever danced with the alternative lifestyles. In poetry, where each word is entirely purposeful, avoid any words that cause the reader to reject you or the poem.
Either way, I'd like to see you push out some more poetry and I hope some of my critiques helped a little. Welcome to the forum
"With the flip of a switch they’ll put out the fire fueled by electricity"
You broke your line structure here. I appreciate it's an important line for you, but I think it's important for the poem that you trim it down to flow better.
"Because here in booze and smoke and dirt
The nest of non conformity
The independent humanity"
Lose the 'because', as you never finished the thought. Although poetry doesn't need complete sentences, it does require that if you use a conjunction you use the conjunction.
I would also reconsider the word non-conformity. For counter-culture, it's such a cliche term that it immediately raises hackles amongst most readers who have ever danced with the alternative lifestyles. In poetry, where each word is entirely purposeful, avoid any words that cause the reader to reject you or the poem.
Either way, I'd like to see you push out some more poetry and I hope some of my critiques helped a little. Welcome to the forum
If I could say only one thing before I die, it'd probably be,
"Please don't kill me"
"Please don't kill me"