Bittersweet Silence

[tectak]

Across the room
Head thrown back , laughing It is retro to capitalise every line and worse to use line breaks as random punctuation. What you have written here is text in chunks.
Laughing that robust chuckle of yours
For some girl
Some girl that doesn't know you.

For a sweet while,
I was yours
We spent grey afternoons and black nights
Many black nights, just talking.
Back when that laugh was meant for me There is a thought here but you are not letting yourself go. To use a cliche once is only just excusable but to repeat it is frankly...er...creative! black nights black nights...sheesh!

Down by the canal,
Heads against an old log
Our knees propped side by side
"Cloudgazing", I called it
And you laughed. Why? What's funny? Is this girl entirely sane?

Many days later
My head still tender, bruised from that log Get over the log
I pressed it, prodded it It is an obsession. You went back and pressed and prodded an old log? See why we devised punctuation?
And smiled "and" is the weakest of all words. It is to poetry what "sum" is to mathematics. You will use it again. I could have said "again and again". Re-structure the stanza.
Thinking of you.

Now I watch you
Laughing with other girls, nobodies
But I feel your eyes on me
And I wonder, Possibly the worst construction I have had the misfortune to read. My eyes bleed. The next line is worse. End on a thumping great cliche. If you've read it before it may be a cliche...if it has been sung, it definitely is.
If you wish I was still your one and only

What is it about you and the godamm log?
I can see that you are trying to get detail into your work and that is worthy. You might like to consider simple rhyming verse just to force you in to a poetic frame. I know that wimps howl at the thought of restrictions in freedom of expression but if you are put in to that cage you will need to think about everything at once...rhythm, rhyme, economy, imagery and the rest. In other words, tighten up.
Best,
tectak
Best,
tectak