10-27-2013, 08:15 PM
Todd,
Your nits are my nits. Line 1.. I would like it to break on revealing, but I don't have any other ideas for the first line that I like as much as what is there now. Suggestions are always welcome.
A nasty smirk appeared.. has bugged me since I wrote it. I pictured the woman overhearing his sigh and a smirk of satisfaction flitting over her face. Trying to convey that on meter has been a struggle. "Appeared" is weak and boring..
Leaning on his cane.. I've been playing with "gripping a white cane".. "holding his white cane".. better word than white? "Sunglasses and cane"..
Slutbox.. well, let's see.. this stupid line is killing me. The point of this line for me, is the speaker is setting up the last line. A reason for revenge should be stated .. and it is quoted, so its not a word she would say in her head.. it's said outloud.. (slutbox just rolls off the tongue doesn't it?). I've torn this sentence apart, and haven't been able to put it back together with anything I'm happy with. "My husband's game to flirt with every woman he can find"
And I don't know if the speaker would go through with it or not. I think mostly she is going for shock value, she might be bluffing, but something in her snapped (aneurysm). This is the last straw moment.
Thank you for giving it so much thought.
I definately have not given up. I'm not satisfied with "appeared" or "slutbox" (although slutbox is a lot of fun, especially while singing the Gilligan's island tune with it)
I appreciate it, Jenn
Your nits are my nits. Line 1.. I would like it to break on revealing, but I don't have any other ideas for the first line that I like as much as what is there now. Suggestions are always welcome.
A nasty smirk appeared.. has bugged me since I wrote it. I pictured the woman overhearing his sigh and a smirk of satisfaction flitting over her face. Trying to convey that on meter has been a struggle. "Appeared" is weak and boring..
Leaning on his cane.. I've been playing with "gripping a white cane".. "holding his white cane".. better word than white? "Sunglasses and cane"..
Slutbox.. well, let's see.. this stupid line is killing me. The point of this line for me, is the speaker is setting up the last line. A reason for revenge should be stated .. and it is quoted, so its not a word she would say in her head.. it's said outloud.. (slutbox just rolls off the tongue doesn't it?). I've torn this sentence apart, and haven't been able to put it back together with anything I'm happy with. "My husband's game to flirt with every woman he can find"
And I don't know if the speaker would go through with it or not. I think mostly she is going for shock value, she might be bluffing, but something in her snapped (aneurysm). This is the last straw moment.
Thank you for giving it so much thought.
I definately have not given up. I'm not satisfied with "appeared" or "slutbox" (although slutbox is a lot of fun, especially while singing the Gilligan's island tune with it)
I appreciate it, Jenn