10-27-2013, 07:09 PM
Jenn,
I've spent a lot of time with this poem now. I think the edit is a big step forward. Here are my remaining call outs:
The break on from in line 1. I can absolutely live with this because the entire thought sounds good. I just wish the thought could survive with a more evocative word to break on for line 1 especially.
"A nasty smirk appeared" is still bugging me for its passive voice. Again something I can live with.
"leaning on his cane", just a minor point here you mentioned that you may have wanted to lightly imply that the man was blind. I realize not necessary for the poem, but funny. I've given this some thought and I could be wrong, but a blind person doesn't use their cane to lean on. They use it to detect obstacles in front of them, or inclines in the street. So the likelihood if you want to go this way subtlety is the man would be holding his cane. Just something to think about.
All of those are minor, the main thing I'd like to address is slutbox, harlot, whatever. Here's the thing the speaker comes off perfectly reasonable with filthy whore. It's a surprising exclamation. It might even need an exclamation point. I think the second slur may say more about the speaker than you want (maybe not). She is basically offering like I said earlier to do more (though I don't think she's serious) than the woman with her husband. She is mostly leaving the husband's behavior alone he's a rutting pig, but that's to be expected. I think the second slur actually demeans your narrator a bit, because it's more calculated.
That said, it's a perfectly reasonable choice for the speaker, and could just be my take.
If that isn't what you want to convey. Maybe strip the slutbox out and focus on the husband so that he can share more in the behavior.
Best,
Todd
I've spent a lot of time with this poem now. I think the edit is a big step forward. Here are my remaining call outs:
The break on from in line 1. I can absolutely live with this because the entire thought sounds good. I just wish the thought could survive with a more evocative word to break on for line 1 especially.
"A nasty smirk appeared" is still bugging me for its passive voice. Again something I can live with.
"leaning on his cane", just a minor point here you mentioned that you may have wanted to lightly imply that the man was blind. I realize not necessary for the poem, but funny. I've given this some thought and I could be wrong, but a blind person doesn't use their cane to lean on. They use it to detect obstacles in front of them, or inclines in the street. So the likelihood if you want to go this way subtlety is the man would be holding his cane. Just something to think about.
All of those are minor, the main thing I'd like to address is slutbox, harlot, whatever. Here's the thing the speaker comes off perfectly reasonable with filthy whore. It's a surprising exclamation. It might even need an exclamation point. I think the second slur may say more about the speaker than you want (maybe not). She is basically offering like I said earlier to do more (though I don't think she's serious) than the woman with her husband. She is mostly leaving the husband's behavior alone he's a rutting pig, but that's to be expected. I think the second slur actually demeans your narrator a bit, because it's more calculated.
That said, it's a perfectly reasonable choice for the speaker, and could just be my take.
If that isn't what you want to convey. Maybe strip the slutbox out and focus on the husband so that he can share more in the behavior.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson