The Check-Out

[billy]

hi tigre.

it has a sonnet quality about it but i suspect its just the iambs
i mentioned the bulging eye cliche below but i wouldn't remove it as it does work well. i enjoyed the poem's sexy postcard quality. while the iambs work well, i wonder if now and again if you break an odd line out of the iambic would it make the poem stronger.
i saw your question and it reads fine either way for me. the latter does emphasise the rhythm of the poem but i think if read right the rythm is obvious both ways.

good write.

Edit ((chris/todd/ryan Thank you))

Her short black skirt was inches from revealing more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped. His mouth betrayed a sigh,
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness stem i'm struggling with sickness stem, to me this is saying [it made a sickness stop]
inside my chest to spy his eyes attack the flimsy hem.
A nasty smirk appeared, she turned and accidentally pressed
her overflowing bosom up against my husband's chest.
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging eyes could take no more.
That's when he had audacity to touch that filthy whore.
Their giggling burst a vessel somewhere deep inside my brain. a suggestion would be giggles instead of giggling
I twirled to face a gentleman, leaning on his cane,
"My husband likes to flirt with every harlot he can find. harlot seems too puritanical considering some of the language, a suggestion would be something like [slutbox] or something les kind than harlot.
I'm wondering if, for revenge, you'd like to fuck me blind?" i like the double meaning of blind, though fuck me blind is a cliche where i come from. (it's a term of exasperation, a bit like [for fuck sake])

Original:

Her short black skirt was inches from revealing more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped. His mouth betrayed a sigh;
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness stem
inside my chest to spy his eyes attack the flimsy hem.
A nasty smirk appeared, she turned and accidently pressed
her overflowing bosom up against my husband's chest.
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging eyes could take no more.
That's when he had audacity to touch that filthy whore.
Their giggling burst a vessel somewhere deep inside my brain.
I twirled to face a gentleman, leaning on his cane,
"My husband's game to flirt with just whatever he can find.
I'm wondering if, for revenge, you'd like to fuck me blind?"