10-27-2013, 04:32 AM
This is a really good poem Chris. It is weightless in all the right parts. It deserves a little time. Edit as fast as you want, but don't consider it set in stone, you can still come back to it later.
Modification, adjectives mostly, may be your main issue.
Here is a more explanatory iteration of my problem with the ending:
of [your dissected] --> organs <-- [blotted on] cards.
On reads better than upon, but
You have the already modified organs, followed by another line that just further modifies the noun in the previous, or penult line, with another adjective.
A verb, such as
Blotting the cards
may be better. But the ing's have their own weaknesses as well, if you could find a way to crunch it down to the noun (blot), it would strengthen it considerably.
Our the verb "blots".
Modification, adjectives mostly, may be your main issue.
Here is a more explanatory iteration of my problem with the ending:
of [your dissected] --> organs <-- [blotted on] cards.
On reads better than upon, but
You have the already modified organs, followed by another line that just further modifies the noun in the previous, or penult line, with another adjective.
A verb, such as
Blotting the cards
may be better. But the ing's have their own weaknesses as well, if you could find a way to crunch it down to the noun (blot), it would strengthen it considerably.
(10-27-2013, 04:25 AM)milo Wrote:Do we have an emoticon for the finger?(10-27-2013, 03:59 AM)trueenigma Wrote: Your rapid fire editing process is entertaining. You clearly enjoy writing (and workshopping)Too late.
Why not break on conform instead of must I?
In everything,
why must I conform
Or
In everything, why must I conform
It presents a nice entendre, does it not?
Also, why no comma before cryptic?
But take some time and think about it. I don't want to be the one who screwed up your poem
Our the verb "blots".