So, I Failed your Rorschach Test

[ChristopherSea]

todd/milo/tectak edit2/version2.5

So, I Failed your Rorschach Test

because someone dripped asphalt,
spattered that blood,
folded those cards;
were they expert or child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never define
my clever state of mind.

Since I see
bizarre patterns
in nearly everything, why must I
conform to your profile
of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
can you see
your Venetian blinds?
How they section your office
into black and white spines.

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak.
I can hear you being played,
ivory white on black;
tinkling like piano keys,
as I sing this silly song
for you and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.


todd/milo/tectac edit2/version2.5 Much Obliged!
------------------------------
Who dripped that asphalt,
spattered the blood
or folded those cards,
were they experts or a child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream-pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never surmise

my state of mind.

Since I see bizarre patterns
in nearly everything,
why must I conform to
your consensus of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
don’t you see
your Venetian blind?
How it sections your office
into black and white spines,

each sodden with the blood
of graded indifference?

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak
and I hear you being played
black on white
like piano keys,
as I sing this song for you
and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.

I really like this. It's a riot. I'd suggest "experts or children" in L4. I don't like "you and me" in penult stanza, I think "us" is better. Just "you" may be better. Trimming the line down to

"as I sing this song"

may be best.

Blotted upon cards is clumsy and awkward, and hardly constitutes a line of its own. Final line needs to be reworked.

As a matter of fact, you should take another look at your line breaks. I'd suggest the following:


because someone dripped asphalt,
spattered that blood,
folded those cards;
were they expert or child?

Big deal, confusing vague butterflies/
for vaginal spotting or porno cream pie.
It’s a poorly-designed, cryptic game,/

Maybe cut cryptic game. Might suggest "encryption". Games aren't usually used to define one's state of mind, or anything else for that matter (you want to say discern, or determine, define is really just for sound, but you can change the qualifier instead, to keep your rhyme, and maintain integrity).

that could never define/
my clever state of mind.

cut clever. Maybe full stop or semi colon after "cryptic game" (or encryption ), followed by "it could never define...

Since I see bizarre patterns/
in nearly everything,/
why must I conform
to your profile of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats(,)
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,/
can you see your Venetian blinds?/
How they section your office
into black and white spines.

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak.
I can hear you being played,
ivory white on black;
tinkling like piano keys,
as I sing this silly song


about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.

I'd start again from here.

Nice to see you trueE. Thanks for critiquing this for me. Many of your suggestions are sound. The problem I am having with editing is that many of the word substitutions folks are volunteering are altering the meter for me, the attitude of the mad narrator and certain nuances. This lunatic doesn't need to be spot on with his diction. Nonetheless, I shall keep at it and see where it brings your. I appreciate your time and efforts! A new edit shall appear soon.