The Check-Out

[tigrflye]

Jenn, your enjambment seems to be chosen for the sole purpose of aligning the end rhymes, but it does work for me. Sometimes you can make breaks to emphasize words and create double entendre, yet still hear the rhymes. For e.g.:

Her short black skirt was inches from revealing
more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped.
His mouth betrayed a sigh;
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness
stem inside my chest to spy his eyes attack
the flimsy hem.

Chris

Question, I have 7 feet from rhyme to rhyme. So can I break it up like this.. is that acceptable? Or if I start with 4feet, 3, 4.. should I stick with it? Can I break in the middle of an iamb? I need rules!
Her short black skirt was inches from revealing
more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped.
His mouth betrayed a sigh,
enough hot breath to fog a glass.
It made a sickness stem
inside my chest to spy his eyes
attack the flimsy hem.

A nasty smirk appeared, she turned
and accidentally pressed
her overflowing bosom
up against my husband's chest.
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging
eyes could take no more.
That's when he had audacity to touch
that filthy whore.

Their giggling burst a vessel
somewhere deep inside my brain.
I twirled to face a gentleman,
leaning on his cane,
"My husband likes to flirt
with every harlot he can find.
I'm wondering if, for revenge,
you'd like to fuck me blind?"


Todd,
Your crit was as good as the poem. Ha. Thank you. You are right about the "just" being lazy. And the semi colon.
I liked all the ways "fuck me blind" could be taken.. 1. Thoroughly. 2. So she didnt have to see what her husband was up to. 3. I gave the guy a cane.. incase he was blind.

Ryan,
Thanks. I tried to change that 2nd to last line a bit. I appreciate the feedback.