First "Italian" Sonnet

[milo]

i see you already have a ton of good observations on this one but I do love a petrarchan so i thought i would offer what i could.

This one is written specifically for someone I know, so I wanna make sure it's nice and crisp! One of my main concerns is the volta; I'm not sure if the sonnet is supposed to do a complete 180, or rather just slightly shift focus. Meh. I'm still new

Also, not sure of a name for it yet. I'll get there.
--------
Version 2.0:
still haven't decided a name

Ephemeral youth will turn and flee,
then beauty’s but the substance of the past.

The first line has only four feet. In addition, ephemeral youth is both cliche and ephemeral adds nothing anyway, youth is by definition ephemeral. What does "turn" say that "flee" doesn't? beauty isn't /but/ the substance of the past, beauty /is/ the substance of the the past. (but adds nothing other than odd diction)

The tone of silken skin will never last
inside the haze. Broken eyes decline to see

Inside /what/ haze? If the eyes are broken (not sure what happened there) then i would think they would "fail" to see, not decline to see.

the reaper! Reaching out to set you free…
Regret for wasted time that spun too fast,
and dreams unfilled that never came to pass
will devastate your innermost esprit.

I think you might want to avoid ellipses in poetry, especially here, maybe just a stop. "dreams unfulfilled" is both cliche and inverted. I would think with "unfulfilled" that "never came to pass" would be superfluous" and another cliche as well. "innermost" doesn't really seem to add much to esprit. I would consider every modifier you have actually, many of them seem like just padding to me.

As youthful hue is still upon your face
(and breasts to rival Helen’s, nice and round,)
the pleasures wrought by spring are ever yours!
So in my arms I pray you'll take your place
exploring sides of life that rest unfound,
together free to test forbidden doors.
==================

Who is Helen? a friendly neighborhood hooker, perhaps? If you are alluding to Helen of Troy, I think you need to draw the allusion (as well as the purpose) a little clearer.

"ever yours" reads like archaic for "always yours"
"wrought" is also archaic diction, consider "brought"? or perhaps something else."So, in my . . ." is inverted as is the next line.

"forbidden doors" feels a little puritanical for modern verse.

As a whole, i think it is admirable that you are using forms. i think you should consider reading a couple modern sonnets (leanne posts a couple nice ones right here. you don't want to lose the lyricism, but you do want to curb the archaism and inversion.

Thanks for posting,

good luck