10-26-2013, 12:59 AM
First off, Tigrflye you always manage to surprise me whether its an interesting twist on a common theme or your approving feedback on my nastiness, I have to say this is another job well done. I like the imagery and the way it flows. Everyone reading gets a crystal clear image of the scene in their head. My favorite moment was the phrase "his mouth betrayed a sigh," I honestly can say I have no clue why but it just tickled my senses. I agree with Todd the word just in the second to last line throws it off really akwardly, I think there could be some way to move something around or switch it out to make it much stronger, maybe rephrase it and change the order and see if you find someting you like. Good poem, I have to say my first impression came from your flower poem so this was a very different turn from what I would imagine. keep it up