10-26-2013, 12:42 AM
I did notice the same as christophersea and I agree as far as punctuation, grammer, spelling, and word usage, there is much to be done. But I honestly view those formalities like bread on a sandwich, I'm more concerned about the meat. As far as subject and theme, the topic is a bit cliche but it's natural so I don't have complaints. I agree with Euan that there is some very good intensities weaved in there but the piece as a whole can be refined, tenses have a very huge effect, you have to introduce them in certain ways when you shift and you have to be aware of where the reader is standing. Also I found lines 4 and 5 in the second stanza to be redundant, but I'm not sure if I like it or not, I think it has alot to say with the feeling of the poem but from a readers standpoint it can appear to be filler. Like I said there's things with that I like but I see being lost on the audience. Good poem, give it an edit and a touch up and I think it could be great.