The Check-Out

[Todd]

Hi Jenn,

There was a lot I liked here. You managed to construct a scene that sings with conflict and intensity. While there are always points to work on, you start from the position of strong content.

I love the title. I like that it gives us the setting of the event, as well as the event within the event. Nicely done!

I found this to be a fun read. It was light verse with some heat on it.

Her short black skirt was inches from revealing more than thigh,--The first line pulls us like voyeurs.
while bent to find the coins she dropped. His mouth betrayed a sigh;--I have no issue with the rhyming word choice. There is a part of me that would love if the line broke on betrayed just because it moves really well into the next line without the punctuation, and it fits the content so well. That said, I don't think the semicolon is correct. I don't see the second clause being able to stand alone.
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness stem--wonderful image, great phrasing. I like the dual use of who has the sickness (it implies him, until the line break switches it up).
inside my chest to spy his eyes attack the flimsy hem. --stem in the last line is also good because it gives the idea of this attitude blooming within the speaker. I like stem/hem. I also like flimsy hem
A nasty smirk appeared, she turned and accidently pressed--typo: accidentally
her overflowing bosom up against my husband's chest.--funny
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging eyes could take no more.--I like how the speaker becomes somewhat monstrous in the hyperbole
That's when he had audacity to touch that filthy whore.
Their giggling burst a vessel somewhere deep inside my brain.--Love this
I twirled to face a gentleman, leaning on his cane,--I think older southern gentlemen for some reason.
"My husband's game to flirt with just whatever he can find. --just is a filler word to accommodate the line. Probably needs a slight rework. It isn't that it doesn't work here, it's just likely a weaker choice than what you could come up with.
I'm wondering if, for revenge, you'd like to fuck me blind?"--Funny ending. Lot of heat on it. Here's what I found interesting, the speaker has a flight/fight response that shifts mid-decision. While I doubt that she intends to go through with her "fuck me blind" declaration. It reveals how she fights. She doesn't take it out on the husband for looking, or the woman for tempting, but she gives kind for kind. It's the little choices that reveal, I found it interesting. Then I went off on a tangent to decide if you could fuck someone blind. I thought of Helen Keller, Tommy by the Who, and then came back to your poem.

Enjoyed this Jenn.

Best,

Todd