10-25-2013, 07:52 PM
This is probably the first poem that I have ever read on site where use of the F-word sounds appropriate and genuine, so bravo for that! Often our eyes stray, but our hearts can remain true! I am jealous of that man with the cane though, getting both the view and a propostion for free! 
Sorry, here's some some more comments:
Her short black skirt was inches from revealing more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped. His mouth betrayed a sigh; *I would have been down on the floor bobbing for coins!*
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness stem
inside my chest to spy his eyes attack the flimsy hem. *I get the intended exageration with 'attack', but 'lift' or something like it would be more suggestive*
A nasty smirk appeared, she turned and accidently pressed
her overflowing bosom up against my husband's chest.
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging eyes could take no more. *'bulging' certainly creates an image, but something like 'assaulted' would convey the hurt more*
That's when he had audacity to touch that filthy whore. *potent reaction*
Their giggling burst a vessel somewhere deep inside my brain. *like the aneurysm*
I twirled to face a gentleman, leaning on his cane,
"My husband's game to flirt with just whatever he can find.
I'm wondering if, for revenge, you'd like to fuck me blind?" *the lucky gimp!*
Any suggested word substitutions did not consider your meter, so obviously keep that in mind. I like your poem, nice work! Jenn, your enjambment seems to be chosen for the sole purpose of aligning the end rhymes, but it does work for me. Sometimes you can make breaks to emphasize words and create double entendre, yet still hear the rhymes. For e.g.:
Her short black skirt was inches from revealing
more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped.
His mouth betrayed a sigh;
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness
stem inside my chest to spy his eyes attack
the flimsy hem.
It's something you could experiment with on future works. By the way, my wife let's me look, but only as long as I keep my tongue tucked in my cheek and my hands in my pockets.
Well done!/Chris
Sorry, here's some some more comments:Her short black skirt was inches from revealing more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped. His mouth betrayed a sigh; *I would have been down on the floor bobbing for coins!*
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness stem
inside my chest to spy his eyes attack the flimsy hem. *I get the intended exageration with 'attack', but 'lift' or something like it would be more suggestive*
A nasty smirk appeared, she turned and accidently pressed
her overflowing bosom up against my husband's chest.
My jaw unhinged. I thought my bulging eyes could take no more. *'bulging' certainly creates an image, but something like 'assaulted' would convey the hurt more*
That's when he had audacity to touch that filthy whore. *potent reaction*
Their giggling burst a vessel somewhere deep inside my brain. *like the aneurysm*
I twirled to face a gentleman, leaning on his cane,
"My husband's game to flirt with just whatever he can find.
I'm wondering if, for revenge, you'd like to fuck me blind?" *the lucky gimp!*
Any suggested word substitutions did not consider your meter, so obviously keep that in mind. I like your poem, nice work! Jenn, your enjambment seems to be chosen for the sole purpose of aligning the end rhymes, but it does work for me. Sometimes you can make breaks to emphasize words and create double entendre, yet still hear the rhymes. For e.g.:
Her short black skirt was inches from revealing
more than thigh,
while bent to find the coins she dropped.
His mouth betrayed a sigh;
enough hot breath to fog a glass. It made a sickness
stem inside my chest to spy his eyes attack
the flimsy hem.
It's something you could experiment with on future works. By the way, my wife let's me look, but only as long as I keep my tongue tucked in my cheek and my hands in my pockets.
Well done!/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris