10-24-2013, 12:02 PM
a great effort. i think the volta should be a shift from one thing to another, question to answer or more often problem to solution (i think)
while it has to be i'm not sure it has to be 180 deg but it has to be a definite shift.
the first like of the poem is your strongest though argueably you end couple is in the sonnet. because of this it needs to stand out. because it;s a sonnet doesn't mean you should use words like thee unless you want an archaic feel.
after a few reads i think you did a great job. a bit wordy in order to fit the meter but a good solid sonnet.
thanks for the read.
while it has to be i'm not sure it has to be 180 deg but it has to be a definite shift.
the first like of the poem is your strongest though argueably you end couple is in the sonnet. because of this it needs to stand out. because it;s a sonnet doesn't mean you should use words like thee unless you want an archaic feel.
after a few reads i think you did a great job. a bit wordy in order to fit the meter but a good solid sonnet.
thanks for the read.
(10-24-2013, 04:15 AM)ThePinsir Wrote: This one is written specifically for someone I know, so I wanna make sure it's nice and crisp! One of my main concerns is the volta; I'm not sure if the sonnet is supposed to do a complete 180, or rather just slightly shift focus. Meh. I'm still new
Also, not sure of a name for it yet. I'll get there.
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The time will come when youth will forthwith flee first part feels a little weak. it's also a little odd using forthwith and time will come, it does work but it made me pause and think
And beauty's just a relic of the past.
The tone of silken skin can never last
When nature takes its course and humbles thee. first part is a large cliche
You'll hear the reaper come to set you free;
Regret for wasted time that spun too fast like how spun ties in with silken above
And dreams unfilled that never came to pass
Will devastate your innermost esprit. good use of esprit for the rhyme. not an obvious choice.
With youthful hue as yet upon your face
And breasts of Helen standing ever round, i like this line but...it reads as though helens breasts are independant of the woman
The pleasures wrought by spring are ever yours!
So by my side I pray you'll take your place
Exploring sides of life that rest unfound,
Together free to test forbidden doors.
