Boxes

[tectak]

Emily,
please read end note first.
tectak

I:
My lives are hidden under coats of paint,
baby pink covered by graffiti,
which was usurped by brown. "which was" is profligate. It makes you add a line. Just make L2 "baby pink covered by graffiti, usurped by brown". Less is more
Photos and memories aren’t enough for me.
I hoard things like red, white, and blue "Like" is superfluous and starts a silly simile. What is "like" red,white and blue? Orange,grey and turquoise? Leave out "like".
confetti from Al Gore’s speech,
receipts from In’n’Out, and leaves shaped like hearts. This "list" like all coma seperated lists, often benefits from the dropping of the closing "and". Its ommission creates a sense of open-ended pensiveness. Your poem.
In the far left of my closet,
a clear, unimaginative, sturdy box possibly over-modified. Unimaginative is a very big word to describe nothing at all.
holds plane tickets to Ireland A disconnect. In the far left of my closet...holds plane tickets.
"In the far left of my closet,
is a clear, plain, sturdy box,
holding plane tickets to Ireland..."
and letters from an ex’s mom.
Six years condensed into one box. box box
His stories about the wolves
and poems with titles like
“My Soul’s Heartbeat” and “My Better Tomorrow.”
I kissed him one morning,
ten hours after my mouth
was on another man’s cock.
Yet I still cried when I said
I’m not in love with you anymore,
and when I drove him
out of my life to the airport.
II:
In this same room,
with the brown walls and wood floors,
I’m trying to hold onto sand,
in love with a Teumessian Fox
who first held my hand on sidewalks
in Denver and played with my straightened
hair in line at Calvin Klein.
I bought two bras and four panties,
and I keep the pair he tore off
with our museum and movie stubs, tore off with our museum? I shot an elephant in my pyjamas
and the flowers he stopped the car Some punctuation after flowers, surely?
so I could run and grab
in a solid, stylish red box box box box
purchased at a specialty store.
When he curls into me,
his head on my chest,
legs and arms wrapped around me
like a silk pashmina,
I feel like I’m cradling the world.
I want to go into his past
and hold him as a child
so he knows he’s rare and worthy and loved.

Hi emily,
This is quite wonderful. Concept captivating. It seems almost blasphemous to tinker with it, but there are some nits. Nits. That's all.
I read the whole piece out loud, intending to do so several times, but the stumbles were there on a first read.
I want to be clear. A line by line is not justified...it is good enough. I do it because it is easier, that's all.
Very best,
tectak