10-23-2013, 09:22 PM
First off, it's a solid poem for me so any critique should be taken from the perspective that I liked it enough to comment out of enjoyment, rather than seething rage:p
The big issue is, like Billy, I immediately thought of Ayn Rand. The image of Atlas shrugging and allowing the weight of the world to crash has been so thoroughly attached to one of the single most popular novel/wannabe treatise ever constructed has caused the poem to suffer because I spent half the time trying to find some reference to why you hate poor people.
It's a wonderful image, but I think it's been compromised by a highly controversial and incendiary piece of N/American culture.
I really enjoy the tone though, the sort-of racing thought run-of-the-mill shame we all experience pretty much 90% of the day when we aren't distracted.
Vulgar like a vulture doesn't work for me. The rest of the poem breathes very honest and deliberately simple, so alliteration, a literary tool, seems out of place (nine times out of ten alliteration doesn't work for me in poetry, to be fair).I would suggest you just totally revise the line
Another line you could alter is "let the sky fall, prepare for the brawl."
It almost seems too easy, but again, I think the main agitation here is it reminds me of that John Galt poop/ Ron Paul's porntube account.
Maybe I brought too much of myself into this one, but unfortunately the main metaphor invites that.
Point is, I like your poem and really don't like Atlas Shrugged:p
The big issue is, like Billy, I immediately thought of Ayn Rand. The image of Atlas shrugging and allowing the weight of the world to crash has been so thoroughly attached to one of the single most popular novel/wannabe treatise ever constructed has caused the poem to suffer because I spent half the time trying to find some reference to why you hate poor people.
It's a wonderful image, but I think it's been compromised by a highly controversial and incendiary piece of N/American culture.
I really enjoy the tone though, the sort-of racing thought run-of-the-mill shame we all experience pretty much 90% of the day when we aren't distracted.
Vulgar like a vulture doesn't work for me. The rest of the poem breathes very honest and deliberately simple, so alliteration, a literary tool, seems out of place (nine times out of ten alliteration doesn't work for me in poetry, to be fair).I would suggest you just totally revise the line
Another line you could alter is "let the sky fall, prepare for the brawl."
It almost seems too easy, but again, I think the main agitation here is it reminds me of that John Galt poop/ Ron Paul's porntube account.
Maybe I brought too much of myself into this one, but unfortunately the main metaphor invites that.
Point is, I like your poem and really don't like Atlas Shrugged:p
If I could say only one thing before I die, it'd probably be,
"Please don't kill me"
"Please don't kill me"