10-23-2013, 06:03 AM
Wow, someone really took a shining to their Homer. I'm really digging the poem. It's really very different than anything I'd ever do (I like Ginsberg, not Virgil) so it's hard to even get my head around it--it's a good thing.
I feel like you could actually expand this, to touch on the cooler parts of the story. For example, you just brushed the final return and climax with "when I step forth and claim my rightful role"; the poem assumes I already know what the reference is. Instead, I want you to show me how you and your son stomp some ass. I want you to explain to me how you laid your love on the trunk of a tree you built your home around.
You very obviously know what you're doing, and have a clear love for the subject matter, so expand on why these images excite you.
Also, a quick by the by:
"Perhaps Calypso's Chamber is my cave
Or Charybdis swallows hence my soul."
You already caught that the line doesn't make sense, unless your soul is the result of Charybdis' swallowing; I'd switch it to 'there'
Otherwise, the poem shows some very strong promise and has a great anachronistic tone--well done.
I feel like you could actually expand this, to touch on the cooler parts of the story. For example, you just brushed the final return and climax with "when I step forth and claim my rightful role"; the poem assumes I already know what the reference is. Instead, I want you to show me how you and your son stomp some ass. I want you to explain to me how you laid your love on the trunk of a tree you built your home around.
You very obviously know what you're doing, and have a clear love for the subject matter, so expand on why these images excite you.
Also, a quick by the by:
"Perhaps Calypso's Chamber is my cave
Or Charybdis swallows hence my soul."
You already caught that the line doesn't make sense, unless your soul is the result of Charybdis' swallowing; I'd switch it to 'there'
Otherwise, the poem shows some very strong promise and has a great anachronistic tone--well done.
If I could say only one thing before I die, it'd probably be,
"Please don't kill me"
"Please don't kill me"