10-23-2013, 03:05 AM
Hi Todd,
I really like the idea of the children’s stories making up a whole series of poems. This is a brilliant take on the wonderland . Loving the clinical notes. Not sure I am qualified to say what such notes would be written like so my comments might be miles off. Best effort to contribute a sensible crit for you
HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS
The patient appears to be an 13-year-old female who was found wandering around a costermongers eel cart incoherent and dishevelled. Police brought her to the facility for evaluation under the lunacy act of 1845.
I love the shrink notes but feel they are a bit too wordy and not clipped enough. Not sure what shrink notes might look like but had a go to show what I might expect:- The patient, unidentified female, early teens, possibly13-years was found wandering around a costermongers eel cart. She has been brought in for evaluation under the lunacy act of 1845 due to her incoherent and dishevelled state.
PRESENTING PROBLEM
The patient exhibits periods of long silence broken by persecutory outbursts. (Love the use of persecutory – very good mix between wonderland and psychiatric talk)
CHIEF COMPLAINT
Transcribed below is the patients first communication after 4 hours of silence. This made me look at the transcript and immediately thought – a shrink would have aligned it left and perhaps even set it out as a paragraph, so if you want to keep this layout would need to have been written by Alice . Perhaps the construct of the entry notes could be reversed to achieve this. After four hours of silence the patient transcribed the following communication.
It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink ? comma here
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed
something, or something-or-other!
So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
above… Feels almost too coherent in sentence construct esp after the great first two lines.
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.
You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly. This made me smile – nice image
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away. This who stanza feels really solid and I love it.
MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION
Patient is prone to poor auditory discrimination, exhibits signs of persecutory delusional disorder, expresses anxiety in the cafeteria line, and shows apprehension in front of mirrors.
PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS
Phrenology investigation noted lumps over the right ear, indicating possible destructive tendencies. More evaluation is necessary.
I really like the idea of the children’s stories making up a whole series of poems. This is a brilliant take on the wonderland . Loving the clinical notes. Not sure I am qualified to say what such notes would be written like so my comments might be miles off. Best effort to contribute a sensible crit for you
HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS
The patient appears to be an 13-year-old female who was found wandering around a costermongers eel cart incoherent and dishevelled. Police brought her to the facility for evaluation under the lunacy act of 1845.
I love the shrink notes but feel they are a bit too wordy and not clipped enough. Not sure what shrink notes might look like but had a go to show what I might expect:- The patient, unidentified female, early teens, possibly13-years was found wandering around a costermongers eel cart. She has been brought in for evaluation under the lunacy act of 1845 due to her incoherent and dishevelled state.
PRESENTING PROBLEM
The patient exhibits periods of long silence broken by persecutory outbursts. (Love the use of persecutory – very good mix between wonderland and psychiatric talk)
CHIEF COMPLAINT
Transcribed below is the patients first communication after 4 hours of silence. This made me look at the transcript and immediately thought – a shrink would have aligned it left and perhaps even set it out as a paragraph, so if you want to keep this layout would need to have been written by Alice . Perhaps the construct of the entry notes could be reversed to achieve this. After four hours of silence the patient transcribed the following communication.
It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink ? comma here
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed
something, or something-or-other!
So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
above… Feels almost too coherent in sentence construct esp after the great first two lines.
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.
You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly. This made me smile – nice image
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away. This who stanza feels really solid and I love it.
MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION
Patient is prone to poor auditory discrimination, exhibits signs of persecutory delusional disorder, expresses anxiety in the cafeteria line, and shows apprehension in front of mirrors.
PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS
Phrenology investigation noted lumps over the right ear, indicating possible destructive tendencies. More evaluation is necessary.