the dark ocean that is my mind

[tectak]

Mind you I have Never written a poem, but I am good with words and am very creative. this is only about half finished but I was looking for some critique. I love hip hop (not busted rap but the art of hip hop).
I have found they roll off my mind very easily, so I wrote one down in about 10 minutes but it comes from me. be gentle here goes...


the dark ocean that is my mind


Every night I lay alone with this darkness that is my mindyou need to examine your wordplay. "lying alone with" is nonsense but it is not a serious error in that the meaning is not lost.Of greater concern is the disconnect so early in the piece. Mixing metaphors is an easy trap to fall in to...see what I mean? You have a "darkness" strongly metaphorically described, which you then re-identify as an ocean with all the oceanic attributes you can muster. As you are more convinced that the "ocean" is the way to go, lose the first line reference to darkness.

Every night I lie alone, adrift upon cerebral seas.
I fight the certain drowning death
but drawn down in to darkening depths,
I struggle, fight , to draw my breath
until the weight upon my chest
squeezes from me salted tears;
I cannot think, I dare not try.

.....or something. Your poem.
I fight and i struggle with this ocean and its tides
No matter How I swim I always seem to sink
to the bottom of this ocean where I cant even thinkcannot or can't but not cant....that is a fish of a different flavour. You are good with words so you look it up
Its so dark down here and so heavy on my chest it's
I am always shedding tears even though I give my best

Inside this darkness is my mind, its that spot I disapear and hideAgain you show a complete lack of competence with words...this in spite of your opening claim. That will haunt you it's... please. "that spot" is telling! Disappear. Spelling. Disappear AND hide? To what end? Why hide something that has disappeared? Or more significantly, how DO you hide something which is not there?Tautology. You are supposed to be in charge of the words, not the other way round
from this world from this life from myself and this discordLook, you may well be demonstrating a character...a teenager, in which case this is stereotypical cliched angst, well portrayed. If not, it is so cliched as to be unworthy of someone of your abilities...self proclaimed.
You cant escape from this black, it fucks you up wrecks your mind cannot or can't
it smacks your life off track and puts a halt to your grindGratuitous fuck to little effect and a hideously forced rhyme. If you cannnot rhyme with "mind" change your mind. You are the master...not the rhyme. I know you will say you just wrote this off the top of your head and it just flowed out of you and the words just came and...and...well, it shows. Take some time to polish your piece (billy....stop that!). Correct stupid mistakes before others have to. There is no excuse for bad speleinng. Try to avoid duplicated words by reading what you have written OUT LOUD. You use ocean three times in the first of your ten minute jotting...and only just avoid another two instances by the skillfully substituted sea. This is what happens when you just "let things flow". If your vocabularly is limited you will duplicate words....but with a little applied thought you will be amazed by how much you actually can pull out of the scrabble bag.
Overall, you know the problem. You do yourself a disservice by posting without perfecting. The rest of this is much of a muchness

you will lose your breath under the pressure of the black
its slows your flow it speeds your death there is no coming back
exchange these thoughts with myself and put my life on a shelf
I get so sad sometimes all days identical, this life sometimes is just so radicalUtter rubbish. If you do not know what a word means....look it up. Identical and radical....sheeessh! Oh....and do give punctuation a try. You will be staggered by how much its use increases your creativity
Best,
tectak
Do not stop writing poetry. It can only get better.