A Little Coma ( …of my own)Edit 1. chris,emily, emma

[tectak]

This is certainly an intriguing monologue of a patient welcoming a coma, along with potential queries for the little guy. Your narrator is consistantly at a loss of proper phrasing and train of thought with all of the ellipsis going on! This poem could serve as a metaphor for one greeting their future, fate or death as well. The odd part about it is the calm voice of the narrator. My comments follow:

A Little Coma ( …of my own) *How about, ‘A Little Coma Comes to Dinner’ for a title?*
I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago, *period here*
Ago, a month...who knows. *put something before that ago, ie ‘Year ago, a month…'*

What will happen? Have you a plan? I rather hoped you might.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask why is it that he sleeps so long. *...'ask, why…so long?' would be my punctuation*
So long, goodbye…farewell.

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me. Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am.

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides. *comma after ‘head,’*
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn. *comma after night,*
Dawn on, on me…I wake. *perhaps the most poetic stanza!*

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, beautiful eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me. *a rather touching moment!Where's the shed-a-tear-emoticon!*

I'll have to read it again to offer much more. Cheers/Chris

oooooooooooo! you touchy bitch,you
seriously chris...thank you, too. your grammar points are noted but I thought you were going to come back for a second stab to my heart!
I don't agree with all of your comma ssuggestions...but that is just my way of confirming that I have looked at them.
Best,
Tectak