the dark ocean that is my mind

[viviencherylin]

Hi minear,

I agree with almost everything that Malu posted, but wanted to point out a couple of things in particular:

1) Firstly, and most importantly, pay closer attention to your punctuation and grammar. Make sure that you are consistent with your capitalisation (or lack thereof if you so choose), or that at least every word that you choose to capitalise has a particular purpose and adds to the poem in some way.

2) Your second stanza needs some adjustment:

Inside this darkness is my mind, its that spot I disapear and hide (1) check your spelling of disappear (2) It might be beneficial if you start with the same refrain in your first line, "Inside this darkness that is my mind" instead of "Inside this darkness is my mind" - not sure if that's what you're going for (3) I think it's specifically the word "spot" that seems a bit weird, trying replacing it or the entire fragment with something else

from this world from this life from myself and this discord Commas might add to the fluidity of the poem: "from this world, from this life, from myself and this discord"

You cant escape from this black, it fucks you up wrecks your mind Again, try adding commas where you naturally break

it smacks your life off track and puts a halt to your grind

3) Paying closer attention to the use of commas overall in the piece will greatly add to its coherence.

Overall, these are generally good ideas - all you need to do is pay closer attention to the editing process and you'll improve immensely!

Good luck (and apologies for the somewhat wacky formatting of this post)!