A Little Coma ( …of my own)Edit 1. chris,emily, emma

[tectak]

Hi, I have just a few notes for your poem.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago,
Ago, a month...who knows. I enjoyed the repeats except this one, I can't figure out any hope for ago.

What will happen? Have you a plan? I rather hoped you might.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask why is it that he sleeps so long.
So long, goodbye…farewell.

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me. Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am. love this part, the confusion rings true, I've seen it in severe illness

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides.
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn.not a fan of alabaster
Dawn on, on me…I wake.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, beautiful eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me.

Tectak
2013[

Hi ella,
Thanks for this. There is something wrong with the "ago". It was fine when I wrote it but it has not travelled well. I will fix it. The alabaster dawn is the light seen through closed eye-lids once the unconscious eye-ball swivel down as consciousness returns. That is all.
Many thanks
Best,
tectak

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I don't think you need to state "of my own" in your title

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago,
Ago, a month...who knows. Although I like the repetition of the ending lines, I think you need something before "Ago" on this line, "A month ago, year ago" maybe?

What will happen? Have you a plan? I rather hoped you might.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.If you're in a coma, are you really talking? How about "my dreaming" or something similar? "My silent imagination"?

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask why is it that he sleeps so long.
So long, goodbye…farewell. I like the line break "so long" with the next line starting at "so long, goodbye."

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me. Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am. I think this is your weakest stanza. It seems like it's maybe trying a little too hard to be existential.

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides.
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn.
Dawn on, on me…I wake.This is the strongest stanza, although I don't like the repetition of "on me"... I think the stanza is strong enough on its own without that.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, beautiful eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me.I like the way you come full circle here, but try a different word besides "beautiful"... it's very cliche.
[/b]
Tectak
2013

Hi emily.
Much of what you noted does indeed need work. See my reply to ellajam.
The beautiful word is cliche and I cannot defend its use in a discussion on poetry BUT I chose the word for its easy familiarity, hoping that coma sufferer would feasibly use the word. Perhaps not. An edit credit to you....but I didn't repeat "on me"
Best
tectak