10-20-2013, 10:18 PM
Todd. First off, I really liked the idea of the selection you had highlighted. To my read it turns the whole poem from being locked into a narrative over, so that it does not dominate or suffocate the read. Also totally agree about the later drafts having more life in them.
I am not sure why I have got myself into a loop over the idea of writing so closely to the original images.
I have two ways in which I write -
1. Find a prompt and free write – and then play pick up sticks with the individual lines (re-shuffle them). Spend days trying to fine tune.
2. Find a prompt, think about / choose a form that will enhance or strengthen the concept idea. Free write individual lines and then slot them into the form and adjust the meter / rhyme or other form considerations on a line by line process.
Thinking I might need to go back through these poems and play pick up sticks with the lines that I have and see what comes out of this. (This is what your selection feels like to me, and I am liking the direction this is taking).
Will wait and see if you have a different suggestion or course / direction before I do any further work on this
Meanwhile I also wanted to do the final prompt and try a write with a different voice. (really proud of myself have managed to resist the temptation to do any editing at all before I post – progress I think!
Foreign imports
It is said that the valleys are full
and the high ridges resound
with pernicious avalanches
of fresh fruit.
Each year the wave of advance
creeps ever closer.
From the Tian Shan Mountain ranges
the immigrants,
with their perfect form
and subtle shades,
are planted on our shores.
Fools!
For every one you let in
ten more will set seed.
Perky and fresh; oozing
goodness that dribbles
and drips from parted lips.
Heavens!
Are the foothills of civilisation
to be forever polluted
by the corrupt flesh
of the polluted pommice pits?
It is said, that it is better yet
a mercy – a grace,
to crush and pour out
their cup of hope,
than let to let the shoot take root.
Let them lie where they fall,
a libation for worms and swine feed.
I am not sure why I have got myself into a loop over the idea of writing so closely to the original images.
I have two ways in which I write -
1. Find a prompt and free write – and then play pick up sticks with the individual lines (re-shuffle them). Spend days trying to fine tune.
2. Find a prompt, think about / choose a form that will enhance or strengthen the concept idea. Free write individual lines and then slot them into the form and adjust the meter / rhyme or other form considerations on a line by line process.
Thinking I might need to go back through these poems and play pick up sticks with the lines that I have and see what comes out of this. (This is what your selection feels like to me, and I am liking the direction this is taking).
Will wait and see if you have a different suggestion or course / direction before I do any further work on this
Meanwhile I also wanted to do the final prompt and try a write with a different voice. (really proud of myself have managed to resist the temptation to do any editing at all before I post – progress I think!
Foreign imports
It is said that the valleys are full
and the high ridges resound
with pernicious avalanches
of fresh fruit.
Each year the wave of advance
creeps ever closer.
From the Tian Shan Mountain ranges
the immigrants,
with their perfect form
and subtle shades,
are planted on our shores.
Fools!
For every one you let in
ten more will set seed.
Perky and fresh; oozing
goodness that dribbles
and drips from parted lips.
Heavens!
Are the foothills of civilisation
to be forever polluted
by the corrupt flesh
of the polluted pommice pits?
It is said, that it is better yet
a mercy – a grace,
to crush and pour out
their cup of hope,
than let to let the shoot take root.
Let them lie where they fall,
a libation for worms and swine feed.