Novalis: A Tribute

[billy]

i have no education, and look on all poets as being in a similar situation. for me their poetry speak like credentials seldom do.
to the poem. it's a good effort the edit being better than the original. i have no idea of novalis and the footnote didn't help that much. i feel a person needs more knowledge of such things that that which a few line bring, (i may look novalis up Later :J i did get more a sense of the person from the poem than i did from the footnote.
normally i never comment on others comments but it has a bearing on the writing of the original;

I wonder if we should argue not the trivial presentation of syntax
i agree, lets all forget about gibberish and concentrate on a poems prettiness. yoda speak and bad syntax destroys the beauty of a poem, it takes it by the balls and screams down it's throat, "this is shite" and don't let anyone say different less they look like idiots.
thankfully you did a lot of work on the yoda speak and it seriously helps the poem.
now to the poem:

in a lot of places it feels forced and wordy in order to fit the meter. the two last lines being examples of this fact. the 1st line reads a little like a quote, final song played out are the strong words, add the image and it becomes a solid opening line. things like, not long after, put him down,as if his, left them no room to doubt,fit for one to yearn, and others
weaken the poem a lot

the meter i'm not sure about and will leave it to others better than i.

all in all i think it's a good solid effort, a few more edits to give it some good images would make the words you already have better.

first revision

Not long after his final song played out
his friends and colleagues put him down in turn
as if his Hymns left them no room to doubt,
that Night was nothing fit for one to yearn.
Like smoke, their whispers clung to mortared walls i like this simile, it's a solid image that the first real image of the poem (i excluded put him down because it verges on cliche)
within the White Tow’r’s pristine corridors somehow white isn't reinforcing pristine, perhaps a word describing the structure or something other than colour instead of white? tow'r's while clever is a bit of a cheat, sometimes they work, for me this one doesn't because of the possessive (')
where desiccated spirits roam the halls, did you mean like coconut or desecrated which feels out of place
and boast of freedom from the heart’s ardors. feels forced
Yet though Sophia’s absence caused him grief [caused] feels mundane,yet and thougfh are more or less saying the same thing, yet yet though though
still unlike them, he refused to resign: still unlike them, is baggage. create an image instead of telling [in stocks of steel] (a bad suggestion i know but it's something of an image)
for every poem was penned in true belief,
with no protest towards fate and its design.
Instead, he let his tears fallow the earth,
from which such azure blossoms came to birth!