Rest In Peace Uncle

[tectak]

[quote='billy' pid='144148' dateline='1381972771']
the poem after the first two lines tells me (the reader) nothing of your uncle but lots about you. so the title doesn't work.

nor do the parts about you. they're weak and obvious and wordy.
it's way to over the top and tries to hard to be poetic instead of trying to be poetry.

I appreciate the advice considering the title as well as on the descriptions. this one was written when I was fourteen, (I'm seventeen now), so its been a long time sense Ive even looked at this poem. I am currently working on a new poem about my uncles death, focusing mainly on the psychological effects the death had on me, as well as the grieving process and the death itself.
thanks for your comments and advice
-Gritdog

No. Please don't. You are too close to the emotion and to far away from the skill.
Read more poetry and write for the pleasure not the pain. Your effort here is a "with sympathy" card...can you avoid writing the same thing again.I apologise for commenting on you and not the "poem", but you started it. Finish it and write about the celebration of life...you have a lot of it coming.
Best
tectak